Detour

It has been more than six months since the day I took a lewindmill 1ap of faith.

Like other millennials, I romanticize quarter life crisis with existential questions, and empowering quotes. Quotes like “It’s never too late to change, to try, to be what you are supposed to be” were very appealing to me. And if you’ve heard that outrageous advice: “Quit your job and travel the world”, you are truly a millennial. I once thought that  that was a good idea but realized  later on that  it sounded too middle class.

I was contemplating hard on my desk.  What should I do next? I constantly felt depressed and I could not focus on anything. I kept asking, “Were my feelings valid?” Perhaps God was just so good to me that he only let me problemitize how was I going to survive adulthood. I did not know what I wanted to happen in my life. I tried all the options I had. I wasn’t complacent at all. It was just that my heart and mind were floating somewhere. I questioned the choices, the circumstances, the philosophies I had in life. Do I want to focus on career? Can I see myself getting married? Do I really want to study? Can I just be carefree forever? Do I want to have lots of money so I can do this and that? Am I productive? Useful? Is this all I’ll ever be? I’ll ever have?

Sometimes the choices I made were quite absurd, such as living alone,  taking master’s degree in women and development, to be temporarily unemployed and the choice to be indecisive and free. At times, it is a choice to be indecisive. I want to keep on experimenting my life and wait till everything falls in the right place. Some people would probably think that I did some pointless and useless things in life.

I am quite fortunate that I had the privilege to make drastic changes in life. I quit my job without any backup plan. I then thought of studying full time while I was still figuring out what I wanted to do next. The first three months after my resignation were a major adjustment. I was anxious all the time.

Minimalist lifestyle experiment was not just an idea but it was a conscious effort for me. Later on, I made an effort to cut down my expenses. Right after  new year, I tried to track my expenses. I wanted to know where most of my money went. I stopped going to the laundry shop, and opt to hand wash my clothes. Back those days, I was willing to spend a lot on food just to satisfy my adventurous palate. I eventually stopped taking food photos for instagram because I was no longer having special meals. Though I miss the comfort of coffee shops, I stopped thinking of coffee shops as best escape. The coffee Americano, worth 50 pesos in the nearest convenience store was already expensive for me. My grocery list became shorter than the usual. The only time I spend a lot on food and drinks is when I am with other people. Was I depriving myself? No, because it was a consequence of the choices I made.

As what I always I believe in, I’d rather be broke than be brokenhearted (cheesy?). No, I’m not yet broke. I am still surviving. What I can’t bear most is receiving unsolicited advice from different people, that I have to answer the existential questions: What are your plans? And what do you want to do? Those were like birth pains after I decided to make a detour in my life –  from a stable life to a more unpredictable one.

I felt like I was immobile not only because of my expenses, but also because I lacked routine and a regular set of people to meet. I then decided I could not be just a full time student. After I enrolled for my MA, I  immediately took the job of an English teacher. I must say it was like a spare-of-the-moment decision, just like all the decisions I made in life but it was worth it, just like all the major decisions I had to make in life. It’s quite odd that my spontaneity was always my compass in making life changes. If I have to be sexist about it, women are just naturally intuitive.

I am enjoying the process of getting to know myself all over again. Teaching English was somehow part of the process though it was not really planned. It did fill in some empty spaces. I realize that even if I am an introvert, I like to be with people. I like to have an audience (how narcissistic!). And I like the feeling that at the end of the day, I have shared something. Maybe it’s a piece of information or just a new word.

I like my life now but I know this too shall pass. I like that I don’t have quiet time to analyze my life, to reevaluate my mistakes and imperfections. I’m pretty sure I’ll have to repair and upgrade my life with career choices, relationships, and lifestyle. What matters is that these changes are aligned to my interests and values. And that these changes are not too far from who I am.  A line of a Broadway song goes likes this : “Don’t lose sight of who you are.”

I also change my perceptions on weaknesses. For me, weaknesses should not be viewed as something to be cured or impairments but these are maps that guide us to what we should do and have in life. It guess it’s part of growing up to realize that I can’t have everything or try everything in life. If I keep on focusing on what needs to be improved, I’ll lose significant amount of time and energy, which could have been used in cultivating relationships and on things that can truly make me happy.

Would I recommend the choices I made? No.

Would I  give an advice: “Quit your job when you just feel you don’t like it”? The problem is not your job. As long as you can find meaning and purpose in whatever life conditions you have, then what you have is a well lived life. Fighting for your principles such as fighting for your country or women rights per se are indeed noble but fighting for your family and living for your family are equally worth fighting for.

Would I recommend to quit your job and experiment? If you have a lavish lifestyle that you can’t just give up, no. Though I did not have a backup plan, I was quite prepared. I had foreseen that I was going to be anxious and restless.

As long as you are accountable and responsible for the decisions you make, you have the right to do so.

Live your life. It’s your life. Define happiness in your terms and conditions.

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lapiskamay
    Mar 08, 2016 @ 12:38:12

    thank you Jackie for this! 🙂
    you are a brave person, I hope i can be too. Bless your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • jackieB
      Mar 08, 2016 @ 14:42:16

      i remember those days when you were blogging about leaving Manila and Boracay because you wanted something else…..inperness, namemorize ko yung life mo hehe

      Like

      Reply

      • Lapiskamay
        Mar 09, 2016 @ 02:12:43

        hahaha buti ka pa alam mo mga drama ng layp ko. hehe. Ewan ko but parang its been a vicious cycle of wanting more. I’m also at the crossroad now, about to do something life-changing talaga. kaya relate na relate ako sa post na to hehe. 🙂

        basta bahala na si Lord! U deserve the best in Life Jackie. Keep inspiring minions like me. hehehe

        Liked by 1 person

      • jackieB
        Mar 09, 2016 @ 03:45:57

        vicious cycle of wanting more…- same here…… sige lang … try and try .. change and change while we still have the freedom to do so 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lapiskamay
        Mar 09, 2016 @ 03:47:23

        aral pa more habang pwede pa. Lecheng Kto12 na yan. Mapipilitan talaga ako mag.artschool ng wala pang ipon at pangTuition.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Anonymous
    Mar 02, 2016 @ 06:37:02

    I’m on the verge of making life-altering decision and I am at a loss. I’ve been a planner and this is something I have already planned, yet I am still anxious. I admire that you stuck with your decision. I too am prepared for that. So I hope I get to rise up too, when that certain “happening” happen. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • jackieB
      Mar 03, 2016 @ 06:56:21

      aw 🙂 I think this is just a phase in life where we face crossroads, and need courage to change our original life route… this uncertainty too shall pass 🙂

      Like

      Reply

  3. ethel almendo espiritu
    Feb 25, 2016 @ 05:49:48

    you are that brave to make drastic decisions w/o back-up plans…as of now…you are as if riding a canoe named confidence and positive..take hold of your paddle it will keep you safe from the big rocks of life that would try to stop your canoe..if maybe you get tossed out of the canoe just swim and go with the flow…

    Like

    Reply

  4. Anonymous
    Feb 25, 2016 @ 05:04:40

    Relate ako … People keep asking what are your plans. And I always answer that I plan to enjoy my life while I still can. Life is more interesting if we do not follow the crowd or the expected.

    Like

    Reply

  5. jackieB
    Feb 25, 2016 @ 03:25:29

    thanks! 😀

    Like

    Reply

  6. Anonymous
    Feb 25, 2016 @ 02:08:01

    enjoyed reading your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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